There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
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I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
My Sentiments Exactly
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.