I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
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me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.