I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.