If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
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I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Well. That’s not a good sign.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I’m calling the cops.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.