Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
You Might Also Like
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.