I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!