excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
You Might Also Like
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
😆this is so true
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
My birthstone is a marshmallow
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.