LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
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Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
incredible
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I just ran a .003048K
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?