If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
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4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
My boss called in sick of me
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Sorry not sorry.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it