Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
lol
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.