* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
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My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
respect
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
[the middle of showering] I need a break
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.