A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
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Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Now, where’s the sport in that?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
My favorite farside!!
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.