I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
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You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?