If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
You Might Also Like
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.