Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
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I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours