[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
You Might Also Like
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Easy enough.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with