Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
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*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.