Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
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Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.