I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
You Might Also Like
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter