I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Spider-cat: No One Home
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.