Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
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So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.