A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
You Might Also Like
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.