ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
What a website
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.