I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I hope Alan is OK
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.