*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00