I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
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They got Raph!
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.