DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
You Might Also Like
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.