My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?