Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
You Might Also Like
marvel comics have peaked
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
you have three unread messages
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”