Do one person every day that scares you.
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Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Extremely relatable.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona: