I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”