David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
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Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes