Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
You Might Also Like
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Venn
That earthquake could have been an email.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.