WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
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omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Breaking news:
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.