If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.