TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
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*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
U talkin 2 me?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
rich people when they have to pay taxes
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak