Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
You Might Also Like
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Festive toon…
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds