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The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.