noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.