The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
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How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.