Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
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Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Air conditioning – not a fan
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie