The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
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I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.