It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
@funTweeters I am at your service….
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.