I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
You Might Also Like
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
that de-escalated quickly
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull