I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
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If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS