Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.