I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
You Might Also Like
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably