Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums