When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)