If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
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“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*